Addicted
by Etain Hawk
Summary: 'I want her. I am ready to take whatever she is willing to give me. Anything… for a chance to feel at least a tiny part of what Natsuki Kuga feels when she's with her.' One-sided Shizuru/Nao, heavily impied ShizNat, Angst, One-Shot, Rated M for sexual situations


Lame title, I know.

**Disclaimer: **Mai-Hime and its characters do not belong to me. Please, employees of Sunrise, don't sue me, I fear I would not have the sufficient funds :/

**Author's Notes: **Believe it or not, I actually still write from time to time. I just wish my muse wasn't a cheating tramp who runs away whenever I'm halfway finished with a story. Anyways, other stuff might be coming up sometime soon (although this might be an empty promise) so I might not be as inactive as I've been for the past year.

In the meantime, if you enjoy badly written angst and hate(ish)sex this little fic might interest you.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

I inhale loudly as I finally set foot before the entrance to her apartment. Inside my chest I can feel my heart racing. I feel dizzy, barely able to stand on my knees. It is a very familiar feeling, one which I have experienced so many times before.

Will today be any different than last week? Or the week before? Or the beginning of last month?

It doesn't feel like it. Yet here I am, standing like a lovesick schoolgirl, hoping that for just this once she will look at me with those enticing crimson eyes of hers and she will actually see _me._

I slowly extend my hand and graze my fingers over the door. I'm hesitant at first. Any other self-conscious person with even the slightest amount of dignity would turn around and walk away.

But not me.

I want to. Believe me, I would gladly run away and never come back nor would I ever again answer _her _calls. I would give everything to forget what has been happening throughout this past year…

But I can't. As much as I've tried to convince myself that I can resist her… I cannot deny what my body wants.

"Fuck." I curse quietly as I knock on the door for what feels like the hundredth time. Familiar anticipation spreads across the pit of my stomach. I hate this feeling! It serves as a reminder of how weak and pathetic I become when I'm so close to her, when I can already visualize her full lips whispering provocative things in my ear, her soft hands grazing my nude body with the tips of her slender fingers, travelling lower and lower…

My ear perk up as I pick up the sounds of her footsteps coming from somewhere on the inside. I start shifting my weight from one foot to the other. I'm nervous. Does my hair look good? Should I have put some make up? Am I underdressed?

I can only imagine how desperate I look on the outside.

_What the hell happened to you, Yuuki? Why did you let yourself sink so low? Brought to your knees by the woman you once loathed? Letting her play with you as if you're some common prostitute, kneel whenever she tells you to kneel and only get that constant heart throb in return? An enjoyable fuck while her precious Natsuki is gone? You disgust me._

The footsteps come to a halt. Delicate fingers wrap around the door knob. The door is opened.

"Nao…" A rich, sultry voice whispers. My breath gets stuck in my throat. Her voice is one of the most hypnotic sounds I have ever heard in my entire life. It feels like it drips from her mouth like molten gold, sliding down my form, sucking me in. I wonder how it would feel to drown in it.

She already has complete control over me. She owns me.

"Shizuru…" I croak out in a hoarse voice, trying to sound confident and arrogant… I fail miserably. My gaze shifts towards the ground. I am unable to face her directly. I am afraid... Afraid that if I do she will be looking at me with those mocking blood red eyes, making me feel as though I am just a toy, a tool to be used in whatever way she pleases, cheap entertainment for the night.

A finger is placed on my chin. I sigh contently at the small contact and comply to her request when she tilts my face upwards. For a fraction of the second I am hopeful once again. Maybe this time will be different? Maybe this time her eyes will reveal some hidden emotion she has been hiding for months?

I take in the sight of her face. I have always been aware of her beauty, even before this, back when she was simply my best friend's girlfriend. But it took me some time to actually realize just how alluring she is. Her statuesque neck, her full lips, curved into a knowing smirk, her perfect jaw, her flawless nose, her feminine brows… I crave all of her. I want to succumb to her. Her image burns brightly before my eyes every time I close them.

But how does she feel about me?

My eyes meet her crimson pools.

What I see fucking hurts.

I see lust. I see amusement. I see so many things but neither of them is what I seek. I am reminded like so many times before… there is no place in her heart for me. Because even though I am here to indulge into every little fantasy her unstable mind conjures, the part of her… the part that is human is in possession of another.

Above all things in her calm gaze, it is the pity that gets to me. She's aware of my conflicting emotions, she knows about my internal struggle. And yet she does nothing to ease my pain. Her cruel smile only widens. I vaguely remember reading 'Alice in Wonderland' back when I was little. Shizuru resembles the Cheshire Cat and I have slipped into Alice's skin, slowly descending into the depths of madness.

_You're a sadist, Shizuru. And I am your helpless torture victim._

"Nao…" she purrs seductively. The repeated sound of my name coming through her kissable lips tightens the painful knot in my stomach. It serves as an aphrodisiac. I am growing more and more aroused. "Come in."

_I want to disobey. I want to be angry. I want to scream, tell her I hate her and want nothing to do with her._

My lips part and whisper a barely audible 'okay'.

Her hand is now firmly wrapped around mine, instantly warming up my whole body. Blood rushes all the way up to my cheeks and I shift my gaze away from hers.

She pulls me in, urging me to follow her. My legs seem to move to their own accord.

As soon as I stumble past the entrance she lets me go and quickly locks the door behind us.

I step back when she turns around and faces me again. Her eyes are tinted in a darker shade of red this time. There is a sensual yet predatory glint somewhere in there that manages to catch me off guard even though I have seen it before. I am willing to do whatever she asks of me and she knows it.

At that very moment I think of my best friend. And during that short moment, I hate her.

I hate her because she found a vacant place in my life and brought this demonic woman along with her.

I hate her because she has the gentle, loving and incredibly devoted side of Shizuru which I'm sure she's capable of. The Shizuru I have is the one that doesn't care about me, the one that inflicts pain on me, the one that uses me and makes me enjoy every second of the humiliation and wish for more.

And most of all… I hate her because she makes me feel so damn guilty. Her obliviousness, her almost childlike innocence… It makes my insides churn whenever I talk to her. Shizuru makes her happy. I have never been able to miss the way her eyes sparkle when she looks at her girlfriend. And all I can do is stand, fake a mocking smile and pretend Shizuru and I aren't fucking whenever Natsuki is away. The thought of her finding out makes me nauseous. If I knew any better, I would tell her, I would reveal the truth and destroy our friendship for the sake of leaving her life with a somewhat clear conscience. But in reality that would break her. She would not allow anyone to see she's hurt, but that is just her own way of masking her vulnerability. I know her well enough to guess that much. It is the thought of her suffering that brings me the most pain. I have turned into a lying, worthless excuse of a friend…

In the end, the hatred I have for Natsuki during that short moment morphs into self-loathing.

Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I resist my desires? Why am I so…

_Pathetic…_

"Are you still with me?" That deep sultry voice asks, sounding closer this time. I blink rapidly, realizing I have been spacing out. My blush intensifies tenfold. Her strikingly red eyes are laughing at me, making me lower my head.

"I…"

Before I can even gather my thoughts, her hands pin mine to the wall behind me, a knee caresses the area between my thighs and moist lips press against my pulse point. She nuzzles her nose under my ear and inhales deeply, breathing in my scent. My knees buckle involuntarily and in a brief moment of drunken daze I wonder if I smelled nice to her… Is my scent in some way comparable to Natsuki's?

"You have been waiting for this chance, haven't you?"

I cannot lie to her… or to myself.

"Y-yes." I croak out as her mouth opens to nib on my neck. Fire spreads all over the places her lips touch, burning my flesh.

She's the only thing I see, the only thing that exists in that very moment. Her scent has engulfed me, filling up my lungs. I feel like I'm suffocating, surrounded entirely by her presence.

I want her. I am ready to take whatever she is willing to give me. Anything… for a chance to feel at least a tiny part of what Natsuki Kuga feels when she's with her.

"Good girl." She hums in approval, obviously taking pleasure in the fact that she has me under her command.

After a sinfully sensual grin her hourglass body withdraws, giving me some room and leaving me gasping like a fish on dry land. I have been holding my breath for nearly an entire minute, bereaving myself of much needed air. She chuckles a melodic laugh, devoid of any real affection. Her warm supple hand grabs mine and she pulls on my sleeve demandingly. I flip my head upward, leaving me once again frozen under her piercing crimsons.

"You know what I want, Nao." She says in tone which reminds me of a mother scolding her child for not doing their chores. Her alluring scarlet eyes roam over my form appraisingly, as if she was mentally stripping me off my clothes and dignity. I feel so naked and vulnerable under her gaze…

A lone thought emerges from the depths of my lethargic subconscious, in a final, desperate attempt to protect from what I was about to do to myself once again.

_Deny her, _it screams. _Say no!_

"Yes," my dry lips mutter.

The breathtaking smile that flowers on her face after my confirmation is enough to erase what's left of my resistance. She turns away and pulls me along with her, to the confinements of her—_their _bedroom. My legs move as if under the skillful lead of a deceptive puppeteer.

Before my mind and body can even register they're practically following _her_ like a cub its mother, the backs of my knees are already forced into the edge of a soft queen-sized bed.

"Undress. Now," a sultry voice hisses hotly into my ear. Its intensity and suddenness pulls a loud groan out of my throat.

My hands quickly clasp over my mouth and blood rushes to my face in embarrassment for having released such a needy, slutty noise. I feel just like one too. A whore. Willing to fall on my knees for a woman who considers me nothing more than a sex toy.

"Cute," she chuckles. That word is the closest I will ever get to what I so selfishly truly want from her. That is what I am in her eyes. Just a pretty face… A distraction, "I'm waiting, Nao." She is quick to scold me after I do not obey immediately.

"Yes, Shizuru." I mumble incoherently as my hands hastily move on their own to take off the fabrics that prevent her from touching my heated skin.

My fingers work quickly and clumsily, drawling out yet another one of her melodic laughs at my eagerness. Soon, I am left topless, letting the cool air in the room lick against the naked flesh I've exposed. I throw my bra at my feet and reach to unbutton my jeans. It is not long before my pants and my underwear join the small pile of clothes on the ground.

After I have completely undressed myself I step forward and, taking a deep breath, look up to search for her judgment, nude and helpless under her gaze. I have always been proud of my body, but whenever I am alone with her, all of my confidence melts away, leaving me feeling like a piece of crap.

Her eyes roam over my figure as if she's trying to figure out how much it's worth, like she is testing me. They start from the bottom and follow my curves all the way up to my face, lingering on the red curls between my legs and the ample shape of my breasts. It's hard to decipher her expression. She knows how to mask her emotions… if there are any.

After staring at my form for what feels like hours, during which I neither move nor breathe, she finally smirks and gives me an approving nod as if saying '_This will have to do.'_

Next thing I know, her right hand roughly grabs me by the hair, fingers entangling into my red locks, and yanks me forcefully towards her. Her lips claim mine and she unceremoniously plunges her hot tongue in my mouth. At this point I simply stop thinking and let her do whatever the fuck she wants. All I can do is moan and whimper against her lips as her free hand explores my backside, nails digging savagely into the skin, almost enough to draw blood.

She's rough. With me, she has always been. If half a year ago someone told me that Shizuru Fujino, the beloved ex Student Council President, the seemingly harmless and loving girlfriend of Natsuki, could be a sadistic controlling bitch in bed, I would want to know what they were on and where I could get some... Maybe it's her way of relieving stress or releasing pent up anger or something, I have no idea. Whatever it is, however, I'm on the receiving end of it. She knows that I would let her do anything and she takes full advantage of it. And as much as I am disgusted with myself to admit it, the pain… it brings me pleasure. My body betrays my wayward conscience, so ready to take everything she's willing to give me. It distracts my mind of the constant dull ache in my chest. It almost makes me believe that what we have is more than sex.

A demanding push upon my bare breasts pulls me out of my mental despair. I trip over and land on the sheets behind me, Shizuru falling on top of me without breaking the rough liplock. She wraps her fingers around my wrists and pins them to my sides. Her thin waist sneaks between my legs and without warning she thrusts her hips against my center, swallowing the cry which rips through my throat as her clothed core grinds against the moist flesh between my thighs, enabling her to feel just how hot and dripping I am for her. The mere thought makes me shudder, but whether it is in pleasure or repulsion I am not sure. I close my eyes, feeling tears of desperation and self-hatred starting to gather in my eyes.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk…" she chants into my sensitive neck whilst grazing it with her teeth, "Such a dirty girl you are, Nao. Your juices ruined my clothes."

If it is possible to blush yourself to death, I guess I've died and resurrected about a hundred times now.

She doesn't tease. It's not long before she grows tired of playing around and her fingers position themselves at my entrance. They glide over my slick folds, just long enough to turn me into a submissive puddle under her touch.

"What do you want, Nao?" she asks as her index finger enters me ever so slightly, enough to make me want to plead, moan, _beg_.

"Fuck me." I whimper pathetically, clutching at her shoulders and burying my head in her creamy neck, letting my tears fall. I know she notices my weeping but what's even more humiliating is the smirk that tickles my skin as she does so.

"As you wish."

A shattering scream leaves my throat as three of her elegant fingers mercilessly slide inside me, all the way down to the last knuckle. She doesn't wait any longer. She doesn't make sure I'm comfortable with her presence. As soon as her digits have reached deep enough she takes them out and plunges them back in, giggling at the ungodly noises those actions rip out of my vocal chords. I hear her utter something indecipherable into my right ear which rings numbly as I scream and scream. Her soft mouth finds mine and she takes my lower lip between her teeth, clenching her jaws. My body jerks in pain when the sensitive skin breaks under the pressure and I feel the strong rusty taste of blood in the kiss.

Despite of my reluctance, the pain that surges through my bruised lips is welcomed as it sends thrills down my spine, riling me up even more than I already am. Pain and pleasure go together so well, as it seems. It's like I am torn between Heaven and Hell, the only moment that can make me forget about my emotions, about Natsuki, about fucking everything and allow me to simply _feel. _

And it feels amazing.

Her unique scent… Her perfectly shaped body… Her relentless hand… The small patches of bare skin against mine… The sounds of her voice, as cruel as it is…

_This is what it feels like, huh, Natsuki? To be truly and utterly desired… _

It's not long before my inner walls begin to convulse and clench around her fingers. I claw at her back and sinfully cry out her name in the softness of her long citrus-scented tresses as the mixture of all those sensations explodes inside me, leaving my body laying pinned under her gracious figure. Breathless and trembling.

And just as quickly as it has appeared, the divine feeling of beatific satisfaction and fulfillment is gone, replaced only by the bitter reality and the retreating image of Shizuru's sly smile. She straddles my lap and observes me for a few moments with a bemused expression. My chest is heaving erratically and I involuntarily shudder as her gaze seems to pierce through my bare skin and peek into my very soul. She can read me like an open book and whatever she sees only makes her eyes sparkle with anticipation. And I know what makes her so excited. Thoughts of all the emotional torture she is able to inflict upon me are so evident, swirling in the depths of her mind and projecting themselves through the whirlpools of her crimson orbs.

_You are such a twisted creature, Shizuru. How can someone, so irrevocably devoted to one person, be so fucking cruel to another?_

I twitch nervously when her hand cups my cheek.

"Was that too much for you, Nao?" she asks and I blink in confusion for a moment before I momentarily realize what she means is whether I am exhausted or not.

"No," I breathe all too eagerly, fearing she might be disappointed if I said otherwise.

"Good," she nods in approval and tugs me forward to the other side of the bed where she sits down, dragging me along on top of her, "Because I hope you'll be willing to please me."

How can I not be? Since the day I became her little paw, ready and inclined to kiss the ground beneath her feet, these moments have always been what I anticipate the most. The moments when I am allowed to touch her, to please her, to worship her… as little as that meant when it came to the actual thing.

As soon as she gives the order my hands move forward, finger immediately beginning to fidget over the zipper of her denim pants, not without challenging her exhilarated giggle.

After some inept struggling with the material I manage to pull down the piece of clothing and reveal her toned legs. I gulp loudly and lick my dry lips as my breath gets caught in my throat. I am no poet but if I were gifted with the specific talents I would write sonnets about how long and perfectly shaped her legs are and how the texture of her marble skin seemed to glow under the dim light in the room. Then, my fingers gently grasp the waistband of her lacy underwear and drag it all the way down her delicate limbs, leaving me face to face with her hairless nether regions. Down there she is just as perfect.

I am forced to end my dreamy marveling at her body when a commanding hand grabs me roughly by the hair in a familiar motion and her stern voice fills my ears.

"Do _not _make me wait."

And so I dive in, refusing to challenge fate in the face of what she might do to me if I denied her unspoken orders. I softly embrace her thighs, allowing myself to spread them just a little more apart, and feverishly latch my mouth onto where she wants me, twirling my tongue and lips in every way I can, as though my entire existence revolves around around her comfort, her pleasure, her fulfillment. The hand behind my head pulls me closer, _deeper._

I cherish every sound she makes. From the soft quiet moans to the sharp, raw, uncontained growls that slip past her lips. I drill them into my conscience, making sure to remember the way her chest rises and falls as she breathes heavily, the only moments when her cheeks are flushed and puffy, her eyes are closed, eyelashes fluttering every now and then ever so lightly, and that damned smirk is replaced by a serene expression of ecstasy. It is whenever she is like this that I see the other side of Shizuru Fujino, the side that isn't so prone to making me drown in my own self-disdain.

And as I ponder over this sight, my mouth still working furiously, I know that in spite of being allowed to witness her in such state, I will never be able to touch her the way I want. I will never be able to run my fingers through her hair the way I desire. I will never be able to kiss her the way I crave.

That privilege belongs to an oblivious girl called Natsuki Kuga.

And even though I've come to this conclusion over and over again, so many goddamned times, I know… I know that I will always come to her whenever she calls for me, I will always return no matter how much internal and non-internal suffering that brings me. I will always be there until she has no further desire to torment me.

She is my merciless drug, eating away at my very soul. Which, in turn, makes me the unfortunate addict.

Soon, her body quakes with a sudden tremor of pleasure and she tightens around my tongue, nails digging savagely into my scalp, hands balling into fists, gripping at my hair. As I drive her over the edge her lips soundlessly mouth a single word. It takes me a while to figure it out but it dawns me that it is a name.

And the name is not mine.

Once her body calms down she instantly gets up in a sit and urgently pulls me in, her slick tongue quickly finding its way into my mouth without much effort.

When she's had enough of that part of me she draws back and tentatively gazes into my lime eyes, that infuriating smirk of hers taken over her lips.

"Shall we continue, Nao?"

I lower my head, looking at the sheets beneath my hands. As I let out a quiet sad sigh my head nods in affirmation.

And whilst she pushes me back on the bed and allow her hands to explore my frame, her touches becoming rougher and more demanding than before, I can't help but close my eyes and let out a lifeless, humourless chuckle as a thought stirs across the maddeningly empty void in my mind.

_And so the never-ending cycle continues._

* * *

Many hours later, she is finally finished with me. We lay on each side of the bed for a few minutes. She is staring blankly at the ceiling. I am staring blankly at her, taking my time to memorize every detail of her naked body, until the next time my phone rings with her forsaken name flashing over the screen. I want to reach out and gather her in my arms, but I know that it would only irritate her.

Eventually, she lets out a sigh and gets up into a sitting position. Her feminine arms reach down to the floor to find her fallen clothes. I cast one final longing gaze upon the outlines of her bare back before she puts them on.

"Natsuki will be back in a couple of hours," she says and I resist the urge to mouth the words along with her, "You should go."

I nod weakly and get up in order to dress myself as well, taking a second to note the new set of bite and scratch marks along my body. Not noticeable as long as I wore my clothes. Painful but not deep enough to scar and remain until the next inevitable meeting…

She escorts me to the front door, my stiff body following her meekly like a pet. She opens the door and gestures at me to leave. Just like that.

I bow my head and step outside the doorframe.

"Until next time, Nao,"she whispers.

At this moment, feeling as though a small part of my courage has returned, I stop her movements with a raised palm and turn sideways, unable to look her in the face.

"Why?" A single quizzical word leaves my mouth.

I do not specify, but I know she understands what the true question is. Why does she keep doing this to me, to herself, to Natsuki?

I stare dumbly at her shoes, waiting for _something. _I am not sure what I expect her to say, if anything at all. At least a glimpse at what goes around her mind…

A long moment of heavy silence passes between us. Her feet shift as she resumes her motion to close the door. Just before it creaks, my hearing catches her voice, sounding soft, regretful even, for the first time since _this _started.

"Because that's the way you and I both are."

And then, once again, I am alone.

Her words echo quietly in my ears for a good few moments before I understand the meaning behind them.

I am not the only addict. She is one as well.

And we are both addicted to the same drug.

My pain and misery…

My back leans against the wall behind whilst tears once again begin to pool in my eyes. My hands grip at my hair and fist into it tightly, to a point where I feel like I'm about to tear the locks out of my scalp. I sink down in front of her front door and push my face between my knees. A quiet snarl tears out of my lungs as I sob brokenly.

_Why can't you just love me?_

* * *

**Author's Notes: **That was it. My lame attempt at angst. Kinda downplayed (or overplayed at certain places) but I hope it wasn't too horrible. Thank you for reading. If you liked it (or hated it), please let me know with a quick review :)


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